Our son and daughter-in-law lost a beloved pet today. After having lost another one earlier this week. Mary and AnnaLeah would have been sad at their loss.
Here is a video of Mary with another one of their dogs (I apologize if you cannot access this link, as Facebook currently has our Memorial Page UNPUBLISHED): Mary & Django
I have heard this encouragement four different times now this week, through different means: Be strong and courageous.
I needed to hear that. Especially because I have had some hard days of missing AnnaLeah and Mary, at the same time that the task feels overwhelming.
One of the times was just tonight when I searched for a facebook post with a photo of a drawing which Isaac made of Mary at Lake Michigan. I haven’t found it yet. But I did serendipitously find some good treasures recorded in our Journey through Grief Page. They were the best kind of encouragement as we prepare to go to Washington next week.
September 14, 2013:
September 13, 2013:
Here am I, send me! https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.511293028953216.1073741899.464993830249803&type=1
September 20, 2013:
My what a lot we have learned since then!
September 30, 2013:
October 3, 2013:
April 16, 2014:
It is warmer out today and Oscar The Cat was back on the deck. When I stopped to say hello to him, I was reminded of how much Mary & AnnaLeah lavished love on him.
Wishing it had never happened. . .
Losing someone is hard. Losing a child is very hard. Losing a child unexpectedly due to a traumatic event is excruciating. Losing a child unexpectedly due to a traumatic event, which you later find out was quite possibly preventable, is devastating. Losing two children unexpectedly due to a traumatic event, which you later find out was quite possibly preventable, is beyond description.
(Please note: I am not trying to compare losses or saying that one is greater than another. I am just trying to help you understand what I have faced in trying to cope with my own losses.)
Which is why I really appreciated a link shared by a friend last week. It was written by a mother who had lost her son and shares what she has learned about that kind of grief. If you want to get a glimpse of what my life is now like, please read it (or for whatever reason because I hope that it helps many people–both those grieving and those who come alongside them):
What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child
Paula Stephens, the author of that article, talks about these things related to such a loss:
“Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who has endured one of life’s most frightening events. Rise up with us.”
In case you hadn’t already figured it out about me, I have become obsessive with advocating for safer roads because I will do all within my power to stop these senseless tragedies. How I wish that ours had been prevented!
And I am obsessive about preserving memories of AnnaLeah and Mary. I hate that their lives are frozen in time while the rest of us go on. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. So, it isn’t that I am putting them on a pedestal; I just want them to still be a part of my life–one way or another.
And, if it seems like I’m not handling it very well, ask yourself how you would be doing if you were in my shoes. I hope that you never are.
Here is what I wrote about this topic not too long ago: https://annaleahmary.com/2015/05/how-a-truck-crash-changed-the-month-of-may-or-what-happens-when-nobody-takes-responsibility/
By the way, my friend who shared that link with me, Lauri Drosendahl, only knew our family for six months before the crash that took Mary and AnnaLeah–from November 1, 2012 — May 4, 2013. But, because our two families spent lots of quality time together during those six months, and were our church family, they were and have been a lifeline to hold us up. Along with countless others.
Here you see Lauri’s family with AnnaLeah and Mary (Mary is filming the fun and you can hear her laughing and see AnnaLeah laughing):
Lauri walked with me through the sewing of Rebekah’s wedding dress–with Mary as my model at each step along the way. https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.475812149167971.1073741844.464993830249803&type=1
Lauri’s husband, John, preached the sermon at their second funeral in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Before:
Mary & Leah–a sleepover in Rocky Mount
After the funeral:
The Drosendahls at Woods on the Lake.
And Lauri was the inspiration for my completing the first of two quilts with squares from the girls’ clothes.
Remembering Mary & AnnaLeah in a Patchwork Quilt of Memories
I think that I am forever changed. I hope you all understand.
A prayer written by Mary Lydia Karth (age 13), Spring 2013
August 6, 1999 — May 8, 2013
When we were headed from North Carolina to Texas, on May 4, 2013, and hit by a truck, not only did we lose our two youngest daughters, AnnaLeah (17) and Mary (13), but we lost the joy of celebrating fully with four of our children as they became college graduates in Texas during that month of May.
So, this past weekend, we were looking forward to a more uneventful trip to celebrate one of our sons’ graduation on December 5, 2015, from Concordia University in Austin, Texas. Unexpectedly, it really became a whole lot more.
In fact, we thoroughly enjoyed Levi’s graduation ceremony as he walked across the stage summa cum laude, along with the party afterwards at a Peruvian restaurant where we were able to spend an enjoyable afternoon with his friends.
On our way back home to North Carolina, we stopped in Arlington to visit with our oldest daughter, Rebekah, and her husband, John. Instead of taking them out to dinner, they took us out to a holiday party hosted by her Tae Kwon Do instructor. There we had the pleasure of meeting with her friends and being there in person as she was presented with an unexpected award for her Indomitable Spirit.
The next day, as we started back toward North Carolina, I found myself going again through many emotions as I realized anew that this trip was the one we were supposed to be taking back home in May 2013 after a week of family celebrations–with AnnaLeah & Mary a part of our festivities and part of the crew returning home. I must admit that the trip was hard–with many memories triggered as we passed by landmarks.
Exit 128 was where the crash took place 2 hours before ours and 2 miles ahead of our crash at Exit 130. That caused the traffic backup which the truck driver did not notice in time and consequently hit our car pushing us into another truck.
This is where our crash took place–about where that truck is is where we ended up after being dragged under the truck ahead of us.
That night, as we decided to call it a day and stop for the night in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, I saw a sign for the University of Alabama and I knew that Birmingham was just down the road apiece. I thought, hey, that’s where Dean Sicking is! We had only talked with Dean on the phone and corresponded with him via email about his proposed Underride Research Project.
Dean Sicking’s Underride Research Project Proposal: Development of Trailer Underride Preventive Measures
So, the next morning, before eating breakfast, I emailed Dean and his Research Assistant, Kevin Schrum, and said we were going to be driving through Birmingham and to give me a call if we could meet. A bit later, first Dean called to say he was going to be in a meeting that morning but he thought Kevin would be available. Then Kevin called and said that he would love to meet with us. We then had a very good meeting with Kevin and even recorded a few minutes of him talking about his passion for research and his confidence that much improvement could be made.
Kevin shared how he–like his mentor Dean Sicking–believes that the underride problem is not insurmountable and is hopeful that, with adequate backing, they could develop a step-by-step solution which could be adopted by the industry to ultimately reduce underride deaths to zero.
We were also able to talk about some ways in which they might be able to help us seek additional funding to back the research.
https://www.fortrucksafety.com/
After such an eventful trip, I did not have much memory or battery left on my camera, but I was able to capture some of Kevin’s passion and ideas on this video:
As if all of this were not enough, shortly after we got back on the road, I discovered that I had missed a call from Mark Rosekind, the Administrator of NHTSA, who wanted to give me a heads up that they were releasing a NPRM (Notice of Proposed Rule Making) proposing that the requirements for rear underride guards on tractor trailers be improved!
We have been awaiting this news ever since the initial Advance Notice of Proposed Rule Making (ANPRM) was announced in July 2014 following our delivery of over 11,000 petition signatures requesting this on May 5, 2014. So this was unexpected excitement to add to our trip.
Not being at my computer hampered the following hours as I attempted to find out as much as I could. A summary of the proposed rule is that it will upgrade the requirements to match the Canadian standards (requiring them to withstand a crash at 35 mph rather than 30 mph), which many U.S. companies are already doing.
However, after a very cursory review of the 108 pages, as far as I can tell it does not address the problem with current standards failing in offset crashes (when the smaller vehicle does not hit dead center at the back of the truck). And the NPRM anticipates 1 saved life out of the 125 reported PCI underride crash fatalities on average annually. (Our crash is not reported as a PCI crash fatality but rather is listed in the federal crash data as “Passenger Compartment Intrusion Unknown“!) What about the other 124?
Shortly after finding out this news, I also got a phone call from Jeff Plungis, a Bloomberg News reporter who had interviewed me last year extensively on the underride issue (http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-12-16/dead-girls-mom-says-100-truck-fix-may-have-saved-them.html). He asked me what my reaction was to the NPRM and later in the day published this article: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-12-07/stronger-truck-guards-proposed-by-u-s-to-cut-rear-impact-deaths.
Here is the press release from NHTSA on the rear underride NPRM: “A key component of DOT’s safety mission is ensuring that trucking, an essential element in our transportation system, operates not just efficiently, but safely,” U.S. Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx said. “Today’s proposal is another important step in that effort.” – See more at: https://www.transportation.gov/briefing-room/usdot-issues-nprm-improved-rear-impact-trailers-semitrailers#sthash.j6eu5DN1.dpuf
And here is the NPRM itself: NPRM-underride.Dec2015
Take a moment to read Administrator Mark Rosekind’s thoughts on this important development in truck safety:
“Although the responsibility for both of these measures [this NPRM along with the ANPRM on Single Unit Trucks] lands on truck owners, that’s a function of vehicle design more than crash causality. We’ve also taken a number of steps over the years to prevent crashes resulting from driver behaviors, such as drunk driving, speeding, and distracted driving. And, we’re accelerating the spread of crash avoidance technologies such as automatic emergency braking and lane departure warning for passenger vehicles sold in the US.
“But, when we have a cost-effective solution that can reduce the risk of death or injury to passenger vehicle occupants in the event of a crash into the rear of a trailer or semitrailer, our commitment to safety obligates us to propose it. Which is why today we’re proposing this enhancement of current rear impact guard standards.” https://www.transportation.gov/fastlane/nhtsa-proposes-new-rear-impact-guard-standards
All in all, it was quite an eventful–albeit SAFE–trip!
Earlier today, I was looking at a family history book my uncle wrote about my family and noticed a chapter about my grandpa and grandma’s 50th Anniversary Celebration on the Fourth of July in 1968. It just so happened that we were also celebrating my mom and dad’s 25th Anniversary on the same day. My uncle was recalling that day and how the younger generation frolicked about “unaware of the historic nature of the occasion.” How true.
The celebration was at my aunt and uncle’s farm which used to be the farm where my grandma had grown up. “Countless family gatherings had taken place [there for] over nearly 70 years”: marriages; births; deaths; and funerals. And when the expressway came through not too many years later, it would all disappear.
And yet, my uncle reflected, “when you look back on the long history of our forebears you see that it was just such thrusts of events that moved us to where we are today. . . There is only one certainty: Tempus edax rerum. ‘Time devours all things.'”
And that reminded me of the poem which AnnaLeah wrote when she was 12. I wondered whether she had read her Great Uncle Dan Waldron’s book and been inspired by it to write her poem, Time.
Before this summer, I had never heard of the Ice Age Trail. We were going to a party for Jerry’s mom–in celebration of her life in her 90th year. Afterwards, our whole family (minus Rebekah’s husband, John–and, of course, AnnaLeah & Mary) spent the better part of a week at a cottage in Wisconsin–some of us stayed longer than others.
In preparation for such a detailed endeavor, Naomi mentioned that they would be camping and hiking enroute to the party. They also hoped to do some additional hiking during the week. So I asked the cottage owner if she knew of any trails in the area and she mentioned the Ice Age Trail: http://www.iceagetrail.org/.
Sam & Naomi left the cottage early most mornings to check out the trails. Before they left to go back home they had covered 28 miles of the Ice Age Trail. I was privileged to join them for 3 1/2 miles.
Because I did not have a dog to keep track of on our hike, I was able to take photographs here and there as we walked–though not with the professional quality which would have been achieved with photos taken by Sam and Naomi. Once I got home, I put together a short video to help me remember the day and the memories it brought of AnnaLeah and Mary and the ways that they found to enjoy nature.
Sam & Naomi invited me to take a Karth Trek hike on a portion of the Ice Age Trail in Wisconsin. Sam took Mary’s stuffed toy St. Bernard, Gertie–along with the 3 Karth Trekking dogs (Django, Miles, & Billie). I think that Mary & AnnaLeah would have enjoyed the adventure–joining Sam on the big rock, walking through the woods, fields, & hilly terrain, and playing Pooh Sticks with me on the bridge over the creek.
Before we began, Naomi made sure that I was informed on the proper way to react if we saw a black bear (vs a grizzly bear). She was — at one and the same time — hopeful that she could add a bear to the list of things she’d seen and edgy about the possibility. I, for one, was definitely more jumpy than if we had not had that particular conversation. It wasn’t so bad in the wide open areas of the trail, but the spots which had lots of trees and undergrowth — and thus low visibility — were more nerve-wracking.
All in all, we saw a great variety of interesting things on our hike. Lamb’s Ear, which Naomi tells me can be crushed and then applied to mosquito bites. http://www.homemade-by-jade.com/blog/wooly-lambs-ear-natures-bandaid Burnt branches. Many varieties of wildflowers, including Indian Paintbrush. Tiger (Orange Day) Lilies. Ferns. Tall pines & lots of short oak “trees.” Yarrow.
The terrain also varied greatly–with pebbles on only some parts and a big rock which Sam climbed up on in another area. One time when Sam was in the lead, he quietly called back to us to look ahead at the rafter (or muster) of wild turkeys walking along the trail.
In fact, we found quite a few feathers on the ground: turkey, hawk, seagull, and bluebird.
A Karner Blue Butterfly: http://www.fws.gov/northeast/factshee.html.
A rock cairn. http://www.outdoors.org/publications/outdoors/2013/features/cairns-history-building-maintenance.cfm
Thanks, Sam & Naomi, for sharing with me your love and knowledge of God’s creation.
Dad, AnnaLeah, & Mary (Winter 2013) hiking a trail at Battle Park, Rocky Mount, NC
Youtube video of Mary with Django (October 2012, Warsaw Indiana): https://www.facebook.com/464993830249803/videos/574678849281300/
Yarrow on the trail and at the cemetery: 
Tiger Lilies on the trail and in the altar flowers (May 3, 2015 in memory of AnnaLeah & Mary) and at the cemetery:
Last night (late), I finished the patchwork quilt which I have been sewing by hand out of squares of material from AnnaLeah’s and Mary’s clothes–mostly from the last few years of their lives.
A friend, and her family, lovingly started the project for me the summer after we lost the girls. Then, last summer, I begged her to let me take it over. Hours of cutting and organizing and stitching have released and focused the pain and love and laughter and grief and anger in a healing way.
So it is a bittersweet feeling to be done with it. It will be good to be able to use it. But I am not quite ready to let go of the energy which went into that project. Good thing! because I have a box of squares all ready to sew a second quilt — ensuring that if it wears out, I will not have to worry about losing an irreplaceable treasure of memories.
Here are some photos of AnnaLeah and Mary in some of the clothes which I used to make the squares: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.867770979972084.1073741957.464993830249803&type=3
Here is a glimpse of the project in progress:
