It is warmer out today and Oscar The Cat was back on the deck. When I stopped to say hello to him, I was reminded of how much Mary & AnnaLeah lavished love on him.
Wishing it had never happened. . .
Tag Archives: grief
How do you calmly tell someone your daughter died? A simple but excruciating phone call.
We have been members of the Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA) throughout our homeschooling years ever since the oldest of our nine started learning to read. This week I received a postcard from them wondering if we wanted to renew our membership because we had missed the annual date.
So I needed to call and tell them that we didn’t need to renew because Mary, our youngest who would have been sweet sixteen, was never going to finish high school.
A simple but excruciating phone call which had me hard put to verbalize the facts and weeping before it was over. . .
Mary will never realize many of her dreams; sign our Vision Zero Petition to ensure that someone else will: Save Lives Not Dollars: Urge DOT to Adopt a Vision Zero Policy
.
Act now to save lives. After a crash, it will be too late; they will never come back.
After launching the Vision Zero Petition online, I waited a bit before I signed myself. I took a moment to decide what comment to make.
596: Marianne Karth, Rocky Mount, North Carolina,
United States
There is no one that this does not potentially impact in some way. We
are asking for bold and decisive action to reduce tragic, preventable crash
fatalities. Don’t wait until it touches you personally to move heaven &
earth to identify and require the best possible protection. Once a loved
one becomes a motor vehicle crash statistic, it will be too late–they will
not come back to you.
Sign & Share our Petition: Save Lives Not Dollars: Urge DOT to Adopt a Vision Zero Policy
Time & A Grief Observed: Reflections from CS Lewis & AnnaLeah Karth:
- Kind people have said to me, ‘She is with God.’ In one sense that is most certain. . . But I find that this question, however important it may be in itself, is not after all very important in relation to grief. . . You tell me, ‘she goes on.’ But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle, touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get….It is a part of the past. And the past is the past and that is what time means, and time itself is one more name for death, and Heaven itself is a state where ‘the former things have passed away.’ (pp. 24-25)
- Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. . .For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored. And that, just that, is what I cry out for, with mad, midnight endearments and entreaties spoken into the empty air. (p. 26)
“What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child”
Losing someone is hard. Losing a child is very hard. Losing a child unexpectedly due to a traumatic event is excruciating. Losing a child unexpectedly due to a traumatic event, which you later find out was quite possibly preventable, is devastating. Losing two children unexpectedly due to a traumatic event, which you later find out was quite possibly preventable, is beyond description.
(Please note: I am not trying to compare losses or saying that one is greater than another. I am just trying to help you understand what I have faced in trying to cope with my own losses.)
Which is why I really appreciated a link shared by a friend last week. It was written by a mother who had lost her son and shares what she has learned about that kind of grief. If you want to get a glimpse of what my life is now like, please read it (or for whatever reason because I hope that it helps many people–both those grieving and those who come alongside them):
What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child
Paula Stephens, the author of that article, talks about these things related to such a loss:
- “Remember our children.
- Accept that you can’t “fix” us.
- Know that there are at least two days a year we need a time out.
- Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.
- Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable.”
“Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who has endured one of life’s most frightening events. Rise up with us.”
In case you hadn’t already figured it out about me, I have become obsessive with advocating for safer roads because I will do all within my power to stop these senseless tragedies. How I wish that ours had been prevented!
And I am obsessive about preserving memories of AnnaLeah and Mary. I hate that their lives are frozen in time while the rest of us go on. That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. So, it isn’t that I am putting them on a pedestal; I just want them to still be a part of my life–one way or another.
And, if it seems like I’m not handling it very well, ask yourself how you would be doing if you were in my shoes. I hope that you never are.
Here is what I wrote about this topic not too long ago: https://annaleahmary.com/2015/05/how-a-truck-crash-changed-the-month-of-may-or-what-happens-when-nobody-takes-responsibility/
By the way, my friend who shared that link with me, Lauri Drosendahl, only knew our family for six months before the crash that took Mary and AnnaLeah–from November 1, 2012 — May 4, 2013. But, because our two families spent lots of quality time together during those six months, and were our church family, they were and have been a lifeline to hold us up. Along with countless others.
Here you see Lauri’s family with AnnaLeah and Mary (Mary is filming the fun and you can hear her laughing and see AnnaLeah laughing):
Lauri walked with me through the sewing of Rebekah’s wedding dress–with Mary as my model at each step along the way. https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.475812149167971.1073741844.464993830249803&type=1
Lauri’s husband, John, preached the sermon at their second funeral in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Before:
Mary & Leah–a sleepover in Rocky Mount
After the funeral:
The Drosendahls at Woods on the Lake.
And Lauri was the inspiration for my completing the first of two quilts with squares from the girls’ clothes.
Remembering Mary & AnnaLeah in a Patchwork Quilt of Memories
I think that I am forever changed. I hope you all understand.
Mary’s Prayer
A prayer written by Mary Lydia Karth (age 13), Spring 2013
August 6, 1999 — May 8, 2013
Past memories get entangled with present moments & future longings
As Susanna and I were getting ready to leave Iowa on Saturday, we drove along I-80 headed for the airport–listening to Susanna’s music (and her knowledgeable explanation of the background to many LOTR selections). Didn’t have my camera out but saw corn fields (already cut down) making golden rows amidst a thin layer of snow. Suddenly I saw a hedge of magenta bushes–beautifully set against a stark winter backdrop of white and gray and brown.
Then upon returning home, it unexpectedly snowed here in North Carolina yesterday. Marcus & Vanessa delightedly went out before having breakfast. Marcus asked for a carrot for his snowman’s nose. Just like Mary not so many years before. Should I be surprised that Marcus ate his snowman’s baby carrot nose?!
Vanessa & Marcus also remembered when they ate some flavored snow with Mary back in Texas–a la Little House in the Big Woods. So I fixed them some maple syrup snow today.
Got out a box of winter gear to help keep them warm. When I was putting it away, I noticed that the person who had labeled the box some years ago was none other than Mary. Heart-full memories.
As the memories of past snow fun mingled with present wintry moments, I could not help but sigh deep within and long for a joyful reunion in the future-yet-to-be:
Vision Zero. . . in hopes that others might live out a fuller life.
Past memories get entangled with present moments & future longings
As Susanna and I were getting ready to leave Iowa on Saturday, we drove along I-80 headed for the airport–listening to Susanna’s music (and her knowledgeable explanation of the background to many LOTR selections). Didn’t have my camera out but saw corn fields (already cut down) making golden rows amidst a thin layer of snow. Suddenly I saw a hedge of magenta bushes–beautifully set against a stark winter backdrop of white and gray and brown.
Then upon returning home, it unexpectedly snowed here in North Carolina yesterday. Marcus & Vanessa delightedly went out before having breakfast. Marcus asked for a carrot for his snowman’s nose. Just like Mary not so many years before. Should I be surprised that Marcus ate his snowman’s baby carrot nose?!
Vanessa & Marcus also remembered when they ate some flavored snow with Mary back in Texas–a la Little House in the Big Woods. So I fixed them some maple syrup snow today.
Got out a box of winter gear to help keep them warm. When I was putting it away, I noticed that the person who had labeled the box some years ago was none other than Mary. Heart-full memories.
As the memories of past snow fun mingled with present wintry moments, I could not help but sigh deep within and long for a joyful reunion in the future-yet-to-be:
Vision Zero. . . in hopes that others might live out a fuller life.
Is it testing God when we refrain from solving road safety problems–leaving road users vulnerable?
So to continue the conversation I was having with myself in my last two posts. . .
- Do what it takes to prevent people from unnecessarily dying in motor vehicle crashes. https://annaleahmary.com/2016/01/do-what-it-takes-to-prevent-people-from-unnecessarily-dying-in-motor-vehicle-crashes/ January 9
- Where is God when there are horrific tragedies? With us. https://annaleahmary.com/2016/01/where-is-god-when-there-are-horrific-tragedies-with-us/ January 9
(Wow! It is really windy out there right now; I can hear the wind moving things around. . . Oh, great! It is so windy that it pulled up our deck umbrella which we apparently had not securely fastened into the stand. And now it is broken. At least, with a little money, it can be replaced. Unlike broken, lifeless bodies.)
As I was saying, after writing those two posts yesterday, this morning as we drove an hour to church, I (not being the driver of the day) did my morning Bible reading (randomly selected by what I opened to and following cross-references from the verses which have caught my attention). And this is what I was reflecting upon:
In summary, it says in Matthew 4, (and in Luke 4)
5 Then the devil took Him into the holy city; and he stood Him on the pinnacle of the temple, 6 and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God throw yourself down; for it is written, ‘He will give His angels charge concerning You; and on their hands they will bear You up, lest you strike Your foot against a stone.'” 7 Jesus said to him, “On the other hand, it is written, ‘You shall not tempt [put to the test] the LORD your GOD.'”
So that is my question: Is it testing God
to execute laws and to promulgate safety regulations which make travelers on the road (whether in vehicles or pedestrians or cyclists) more vulnerable and susceptible to Death by Motor Vehicle?
(Or to refrain from taking action which would aid in preventing deaths.)
In other words, are we saying, “There are things which could protect people but we aren’t going to require them or enforce them; people know they are taking a risk when they go on the road and society cannot pay to protect them”?
Then, less than an hour later, I attended a Bible study for the first time whose focus has been the book of Matthew. The chapter being studied today was (guess what!) Matthew 4. And this was basically the first thing being discussed:
And so the conversation inside my head goes. . .
Where is God when there are horrific tragedies? With us.
This is a follow-up to my previous post on the struggle to understand where God is at when there are horrific tragedies: https://annaleahmary.com/2016/01/do-what-it-takes-to-prevent-people-from-unnecessarily-dying-in-motor-vehicle-crashes/.
After writing that post, then I read an article which a friend had posted on facebook, called Slain in the Shadow of the Almighty , http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/slain-in-the-shadow-of-the-almighty . I might agree with some things in that article. But what I read in the Bible, and what I have seen to be the case in my life, is that while we are not in total control we can make an impact on what happens in this world:
- Man makes plans, but the LORD directs his steps–by the power of the Spirit.
- Jesus, being tempted in the wilderness by Satan for 40 days, did not simply jump from the roof of the temple and expect God/an angel to catch Him.
- Joseph, with the wisdom given to Him by God, made a plan to be prepared for a famine and doled out food to meet people’s needs (including his own family who were not prepared).
- Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
- I think that it is a matter of trust and I do trust Him. But I think that He wants us to take dominion over things in this world where we are capable of doing so–as in matters where we can take steps to prevent others from dying.
- God’s love is the rule.
- Faith without works is dead. We walk by faith and not by sight. By faith, this mountain can be moved.
- A paradox of faith.
- He works through our words and actions and plans. That includes advocating for measures which will lead to safer roads and prevent unnecessary deaths.
- Until the race is finished and the work is done.
I sang this song at my daughters’ funeral and I still believe it to be true:
The balloons we released at the burial of AnnaLeah (17 purple) and Mary (13 orange) as we said farewell.
http://www.gettymusic.com/hymns-holyspirit.aspx
Does saving a few seconds or couple of minutes really worth doing? Is it worth the risk of possible collision & personal injury?
“So, does saving a few seconds or a couple of minutes really worth doing? Is it worth the risk of possible collision and personal injury? Are you really saving time? Give me a couple of seconds to think about it.”
https://safedriving.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/give-me-a-couple-of-seconds/
