Tag Archives: grief

Remembering Mary, Forever 13, Until We Meet Again

AnnaLeah and Mary, Truck Safety

We said goodbye to Mary on May 8, 2013.

Remembering Mary–the moments, days and years she was in our life. A photo memorial slideshow lovingly prepared by her brother & sister a few weeks after her untimely death on May 8, 2013.

No Time To Say Goodbye; Breaks My Heart

AnnaLeah and Mary, Truck Safety, ,

The truck crash was around 2 in the afternoon on May 4, 2013. AnnaLeah left us right away–no time to say goodbye.

Mary died in the early morning hours of May 8.

Although the nurses I have talked with reassured me that Mary was medicated to be comfortable, it still breaks my heart when I think of what she must have gone through. I have no idea of her level of awareness at any point after the crash. And I am thankful that Jerry and many others were able to be with her–after he was able to get there the next day.

But I was stuck in a hospital two hours from hers. I wish that I could have been there with Mary to comfort her. And say goodbye.

Mary at birth1 Baby AnnaLeah with Susanna, Levi and Mom1m newborn Mary and Mama43a b Mary Mom Susanna

b Mary Mom 001Mary and Mom at wedding 002

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Two Years After Our Truck Crash: With Hope, We Carry On

AnnaLeah and Mary, Truck Safety, ,

It has been two years now since we set out for Texas from our home in North Carolina and unexpectedly “said goodbye” to AnnaLeah and Mary when our trip ended in a horrific truck crash outside Greensboro, Georgia, on May 4, 2013.

Just recently, a memory surfaced of Mary when we lived in Michigan and she was just a little tyke. I was putting one of her Beanie Baby dogs on my bed and it reminded me of when she used to get so excited to see a pug at one of the houses she delivered The Grand Rapids Press to in her section of our family newspaper route. The memory made me smile.

Cats and dogs 004Bear Photo Story 1 004

It got me to thinking about memories and what we have left to help us carry on. When we lose someone, perhaps what is initially on our mind is thoughts of how they were at that time when they left us–at that age when they died. AnnaLeah will seem forever 17 to me and Mary forever 13. But my memories of them jump all over the years (depending on what it is that triggers a particular memory).

My heart is full of so many good moments. Even painful or frustrating times (like getting tangles out of long hair or grumpy, girly moods) have a place in my thoughts which make them seem not as bad as they once did and worth going through all over again if only the girls could be back here with us.

It wasn’t my plan to have it be this way–to have those moments come to an end and only be able to carry the girls in my heart as memories from the past. But here I am, learning how to treasure those memories with a grateful heart for the gift Mary and AnnaLeah were and the confident hope of seeing them again.

Tears & smiles mercilessly mingle. Meanwhile, slowly and mercifully, new reasons to live and love and laugh beckon me ever onward.

Remembering AnnaLeah & Mary–the joy & the pain–with hope, we carry on.


Photos & video of our girls set to the song, With Hope, by Steven Curtis Chapman–a dad who wrote this song after his own tragic loss of his youngest daughter.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=5519704

http://www.mlive.com/news/index.ssf/2008/05/musician_steven_curtis_chapman.html

Real Pain, Real Peace

AnnaLeah and Mary, ,

I have put off writing this because, as much as I feel the need to write it, I don’t know if I can truly put into words what it is that I want to say. I’ll start off by saying that this will be a conglomeration of thoughts which have probably been swirling around ever since the crash.

Real pain. Real peace. Has that been the struggle going on inside of me ever since I found myself in the hospital faced with the fear and then the verified, unthinkable news that tragedy had struck our family?

Well, certainly I have known real pain. Comes and goes–mostly comes, and at unexpected moments. Like finding a DVD cover which fell out of a cabinet and being struck with the memory of the day when we were at a Goodwill store–in Rochester, Minnesota, I think. While I looked at clothes and AnnaLeah looked at books, Mary looked at DVDs and found that delightful movie, Follow Me, Boys! While it was a good and pleasant memory, and I’m so very glad that I have it, at that moment it stirred up pain in me.

Follow Me Boys cover

The other day, Vanessa asked me (out of the blue), “Does pain fix sadness?”

Me: “Well. . .?”

Vanessa: Runs off to play. . .

I don’t know. Will the pain which I am going through eventually “fix” my sadness? Is the pain a process–or at least a signal or indication that a process of healing is taking place? If I were not feeling the pain, would it be harder to complete that process? Will the pain ever lessen?

I have also known real peace in this season. It also comes and goes–seeming elusive. Comes mostly when I am focused on the promises of God–in word or song–like the song I sang at their funeral, In Christ Alone. I really believed it then and I believe it now. It just seems in stiff competition with the real pain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLy8ksqGf9w

Read a book the other day–a novel by Lisa McKay. One paragraph jumped out at me. It was an apt description of this very dilemma, maybe not perfect and I have not totally wrapped my mind around it, but I wanted to share it. The book’s characters had just sung It Is Well With My Soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHe_qmo3gX4

“I remembered that the writer of the hymn had penned this just after his four daughters had been confirmed drowned after their ship went down. I breathed deeply against the now-familiar tight ache in my agony. The hymn writer, Spafford, and his children, Mani and his parents. Real pain and real peace. It felt like trying to marry two mental magnets; the closer I tried to push them together, the harder they resisted my pressure.“

   (p. 166, My Hands Came Away Red by Lisa McKay)
 

Then today, while Vanessa was resting and recovering from a tummy ache, I put another DVD on for her to watch–another one that Mary had found at a Goodwill store: Veggie Tales, How to Draw.

Vanessa (5) loves arts & crafts and, like I had discovered when I had followed its instructions some time ago, it is quite good at helping even novice artists to make a pretty good replica of the Veggie Tales characters. So I was pleased to see her engaged in the process:

Vanessa's Madame Blueberry drawing Veggie Tales How to Draw DVD cover

Vanessa’s Drawing of Madame Blueberry 3/28/15

Previous Post of Mary’s Veggie Tale Drawings: http://tinyurl.com/q8qbuqn

Real pain that Mary and AnnaLeah are not here to draw with Vanessa and that they are only a memory–nevermore to be in this earthly life.

Real peace that they were a part of our lives, that they touch our lives even now, and that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have promised to be with me until I can one day see AnnaLeah and Mary again. In His presence. Joy Unspeakable.

AnnaLeah and Marybraids and giraffe 011

getting farther away patch of blue

Good news: Nothing to fear!; Christmas Letters from AnnaLeah & Mary

AnnaLeah and Mary, ,

Minolta DSC5a AnnaLeah Christmas

As I was getting ready for the day, one of my favorite Christmas songs was running through my head, “God Rest, Ye Merry Gentlemen, Let Nothing You Dismay!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBoPx_5MU8o ;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69FQ_NBPESg ; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoEbwwMJh9A

and this is one of my favorites, “Mary, Did You Know?”:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ILtvvF-4qU

But what I was looking forward to–after celebrating Christmas together as a family yesterday–was spending some time today reminiscing about past Christmases shared with AnnaLeah and Mary, who will have no new earthly celebrations of their Savior’s birth.

So–for myself, and anyone else who cares to get a glimpse of Christmas with Mary & AnnaLeah–here are links to memories which I posted at this time last year (Thanksgiving through New Year’s):

A Christmas Carol photo 001Minolta DSC

Our Crash Was Not An Accident

Truck Safety, , , , , ,

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Our crash was not an accident.

There were many factors which contributed to our crash and to the fact that there were fatalities, including:

  1. There was a fatal crash two miles ahead of us two hours before our crash occurred. This had caused the traffic to back up.
  2. There had been nothing done, that I am aware of, to divert traffic or alert travelers that they would be coming up on this situation.
  3. Truck drivers have very long work weeks–partially a scheduling issue.
  4. Truck drivers are under a lot of pressure to drive a lot of hours and miles due to their compensation system.
  5. Consumers want their products delivered yesterday.
  6. Enforcement of truck driving regulations, especially of Hours Of Service (HOS), as well as truck maintenance, is an issue–paper log books have not been considered reliable and, too often, violations are not identified until it is too late.
  7. Opposition, to needed changes in regulations, by the trucking industry leads to delays in, or prevention of, changes which could prevent crashes and/or save lives.
  8. Training for, and issuing of, CDLs is not always what it should be.
  9. Federal regulations for underride guards—partially due to misinformed opposition and lack of priority assigned to this needed change—have been inadequate for far too long.
  10. Despite evidence from crash test research and real-world crash analysis, trailer manufacturers continued to produce inadequate underride guards.
  11. The unsafe driving habits/decisions of the truck driver who hit us may well have determined the outcome of our road trip for AnnaLeah and Mary.
  12. Drowsy driving may have been a factor. DWF = Driving While Fatigued can impair driving as much or more than DUI. Yet, it does not receive the same consequence.
  13. Current laws, for the most part, do not include DWF in the category of a “reckless” action. Vehicular homicide (which is a misdemeanor) would only become 1st degree vehicular homicide (which is a felony) in Georgia, if the driver were also charged with one of the following:
  • DUI.
  • Reckless driving.
  • Hit and run.
  • Passing a school bus.
  • Fleeing or eluding.
  • (Not DWF).
  1. I’ve probably forgotten something or other.  .  .
  2. Oh, yes, I got out of bed that morning, climbed into the car, and got on the road. I stopped for lunch and left the restaurant five minutes too soon (or too late).  Mary and AnnaLeah had come with me.

And who is taking responsibility for this crash (and thousands more like it every year)? How will this ever be addressed adequately to end this senseless slaughter of innocent victims in potentially preventable crashes?

Please wake up, America! After all, it could be you or someone you love that it happens to next. . . Let’s mandate a federal task force to address this widespread, complicated problem once and for all.

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UPDATE, March 23, 2021: